dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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