I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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