He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
