I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
