I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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