I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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