we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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