Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
