i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
