i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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