I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
