I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
