it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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