after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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