ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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