Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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