i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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