Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
