My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
