Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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