when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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