i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
