I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
