We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
40s are totally the cure
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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