Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
NoShamevember. You game?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
