she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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