in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
