I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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