He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
