Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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