i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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