can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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