Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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