I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
