Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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