I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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