Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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