Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
