it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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