Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
