A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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