dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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