WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
