I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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