the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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