saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When are your genitals available?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
