i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
