Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize