M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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