I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We talked him into tasing himself.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
