He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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