Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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