Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
