im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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