I never want to see another naked old woman again.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
