this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
