I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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