For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
